


Following

by armida19



Category: Shanghai Noon (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-02
Packaged: 2017-12-22 06:11:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armida19/pseuds/armida19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This began as a missing scene from the movie.  What happened after Roy rescued Chon from the railroad camp? Then it morphed into a multi-chaptered angst-fest :)  I wrote this years and years ago, and am bringing it over from another archive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Following

"Reach for the sky, baldy!"

The words echoed through the night sky, causing both men to turn in the direction of the shadowy figure on horseback.

 _Roy?_ Chon blinked furiously, half in disbelief, half in an attempt to clear the remaining dirt and sand from his eyes. His vision swam into focus--it was Roy, his gun trained on Lo Fong, his other hand tipping his hat sardonically.

"That's right, it's Roy. Am I interrupting?"

Lo Fong glowered and raised his hands, including the sword he'd been brandishing at Chon. Chon's gaze met and held Roy's, and he felt suddenly breathless.

"I followed you, so what?" Roy said, in response to Chon's silent query. The underlying urgency in his voice belied his attempt at nonchalance. "What did you expect me to do, let you wander off? You're a greenhorn. You'll get killed out here."

Sudden, fierce joy swept through Chon. Roy had followed him, despite Chon's bitter words to him that afternoon. Dressed in black, tall in the saddle, his wheat blond hair gleaming in the torchlight, Roy cut a dashing figure, looking every inch the outlaw he aspired to be. The sight of him made Chon's blood sing through his veins and his heart beat wildly. Roy had followed him, and Chon couldn't help the foolish grin he felt stealing over his face. For that brief second in time, the world seemed to narrow to encompass only the two of them, their eyes locked in silent communion.

The sounds of gunfire and Fong's approaching henchmen broke the spell. "Come on partner, we've gotta adios outta here," Roy called to him. Chon felt the weariness and soreness melt from his limbs. He half ran, half flew across the distance to nimbly vault onto the horse behind Roy. His hands clutched Roy's sides, and he leaned into him.

"You've got to stick with me," Roy said, kicking his horse into motion. 

"I will, Roy. I will." Chon's words were lost in the thunder of hooves as they galloped away. As they reached the outskirts of the railroad camp, Chon turned his head at the sound of pursuit, ready to call a warning to Roy. However when he looked back, he realized it was only his own horse, Fido, following them into the night. Chon smiled again, and tightened his grip on Roy's waist.

"Where are we going?" he called to Roy, but there was no reply. In truth, Chon didn't care. He was with Roy, and that was all that mattered for now. This man, this moment, the night sky surrounding them and the steady rhythm of the horse beneath them were enough. He would have followed Roy anywhere, without question, and that knowledge was a heady sensation that both alarmed him and quickened his blood. His future, which only minutes ago had seemed colorless and bleak, was now brilliantly alive with possibilities.

Eventually, they slowed and then came to a halt in a small clearing. "Here we are," Roy said, and moved to dismount, but Chon didn't loosen his grip on Roy. He found he couldn't let go of him. Instead, he slid his arms to fully circle Roy's waist, and leaned in to rest his forehead against the back of Roy's neck. Chon could feel Roy's back stiffen for one terrifying moment, then he relaxed against Chon. It felt like the most natural thing for Chon to then turn his head to rest his cheek against Roy's shoulder.

 _What am I doing?_ a distant part of him wondered, but for once in his life, Chon refused to think past the moment. He breathed in Roy's scent, reveling in the nearness of this man that he'd thought never to see again. Then, wondrously, Roy turned his head, so that the bristle of his cheek rasped gently against Chon's face.

"Chon?" Roy questioned softly, his voice infused with wonder.

"You followed me," Chon said simply.

Through the stillness of the night came Roy's reply. "I followed you."

 _Why?_ The word danced on the edge of Chon's mind, but he was too afraid of the answer to ask. All that mattered for now was that he was embracing Roy, and Roy was . . . letting him. The moment was so tenuous and so extraordinary, Chon wondered if it was really happening. Maybe it was a dream, or maybe he had perished at the hands of Lo Fong and had been reborn into heaven. Feeling Roy's body next to his certainly fit his description of paradise.

Chon leaned fully against Roy's back, feeling solid warmth of him . Roy felt like home, like journey's end to Chon, as if somehow everything in his life had only been a prelude to this. His lips were inches from Roy's cheek. Then, Chon felt one of Roy's hands move to tentatively cover his own. Chon's heart tightened painfully in his chest; he was afraid to move or to speak, unwilling to shatter the fragile purity of the moment.

"I followed you," Roy said again.

Fido, Chon's horse, trotted up beside them, causing Roy's horse to move restlessly beneath them. Roy straightened, and Chon let him slip from his grasp. The moment was lost as reality returned in a rush. Chon knew that their relationship had changed, but exactly what that meant for them remained to be seen.

"Come on, let's get inside, partner," Roy said, and Chon could read nothing in his voice. Roy gestured to a small shelter hidden in the trees that Chon had overlooked.

They both slid off the horse, Chon feeling suddenly unwilling to meet Roy's eyes. Chon knew that surely, Roy must also feel the new awareness between them. Fido came up behind him and nudged him gently with his head. Chon turned to tend to him, welcoming the distraction.

"Where are we?" Chon asked in the same neutral tone Roy had used. 

"An old hideout that my gang and I used to use," Roy said. "We're not far from the mission where the princess will be tomorrow."

The princess. For one moment, Chon had actually allowed his feelings for Roy to overshadow his duty to the emperor. The princess must come first, before any other considerations. But she did not wish to return to China, and his duty was now unclear. Chon knew that nothing would ever be as simple for him as following orders again.

"There's a place in the back for the horses," Roy said, and Chon followed him, leading Fido. The night air was cool on his face, the forest was quiet, and the sky was clear and filled with stars. In silent companionship they unsaddled their horses, but inside, Chon's thoughts were a maelstrom of conflicting desires, between his ingrained duty and what he now knew in his heart to be right. Lo Fong had called him a slave, a man who could not think for himself but only do as he was told. The scornful words had stung, but for the first time Chon allowed himself to see the truth they revealed. 

His life in service to the emperor had brought him little happiness, but that had never concerned him until now, when he had a glimpse of what happiness could be. He had always been an outsider, never good enough, never conforming to the standards set by his peers. He had always been alone, but had not recognized his own loneliness. Here, in this new country, he had met Roy, a man completely unfettered by convention, who had challenged everything he had believed about himself and the world. Chon had also realized that Roy's bravado could mask an emptiness that mirrored his own. Despite coming from two different worlds, Chon knew that they were intended to find each other. They were the two halves of the same soul, even if Roy had yet to realize it fully. In falling in love with Roy, Chon had found his true self as well. The princess's thoughts and wishes did matter, and so did his own. Nothing in his life would ever be the same again. He could not go back, and he would not.

Chon glanced over at Roy and again felt the utter rightness, the intense pleasure of being with this man. He wished he could see what was in Roy's heart. After last night at Goldie's he had tried to make himself believe the worst about Roy, that he was only partnering with him for the gold that was Princess Pei Pei's ransom money, but even then he could not fully convince himself that Roy was motivated by avarice alone. Roy had risked his life to ride alone into Fong's camp to rescue him. Chon believed in Roy's feelings for him, but he needed so much more than friendship from him, and wasn't sure that Roy was ready for that.

As if he knew he was the subject of Chon's thoughts, Roy looked up and met his gaze over the back of his horse. 

"I'm sorry, Chon."

"Sorry for what?"

"For what I said. For what you heard. At Goldie's. I didn't mean it." The words came slowly, haltingly, unlike Roy's usual easy manner.

"It's OK, Roy," Chon said, although the hurt from that night still lingered.

"No, it's not OK," Roy replied. "Thinking about what I said--it was awful, and I _didn't_ mean it, but at the time, I just--" Roy stopped, exasperated. He walked around the horses to stand in front of Chon.

"Too much was happening in too short a time. Everything was too new, too fast, and it was just too easy for me to try and deny it. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm not making much sense, am I?" Roy paused. "I just don't want you to think that I'm the kind of man who betrays a friend, Chon," Roy said, looking intently into Chon's eyes.

Chon smiled at him to ease his distress and briefly squeezed his arm. "Please stop apologizing so we can go inside now." Roy smiled back, relief in his eyes as he lifted his saddlebags onto his shoulder. "OK, partner."

Chon grabbed his packs and followed Roy to the front of the small structure, which was scarcely large enough to be called a cabin. "You don't think Lo Fong will come after us, do you?" Roy asked as he pushed aside the worn leather flap that covered the doorway.

"No," Chon replied. "He thinks he has won. He has the princess. Tomorrow he will have the gold. We are no threat to him."

Roy dropped the saddlebags inside the doorway and fumbled in the darkness, then Chon heard the strike of a match as a small oil lamp was illuminated. Roy turned to face Chon, his blue eyes shining in the lamplight. "Well, then, old baldy has just made a major miscalculation, wouldn't you say?" He winked, and Chon smiled back helplessly at the beautiful, exasperating, charming mix of contradictions that was Roy O'Bannon.

Roy set the lamp back on a small table near the door. Chon surveyed the cramped dwelling. Barely large enough for two men to turn around in, one wall was taken up by a bare wood frame cot. There were no windows or fireplace, and no covering on the dirt floor. A backless chair was the only other piece of furniture in the room.

"Your whole gang hid out here?" Chon asked teasingly.

"Well, maybe I was between gangs at the time," Roy admitted dryly. 

Roy removed his hat and coat, hanging them on a hook on the wall. Chon eased himself down onto the bed, still sore from being on horseback and his recent fight with Lo Fong. His aching muscles reminded him that he was no longer young. If he were to change his life, to begin anew, tonight was time to make the first step. Chon had faced many perilous situations before, but none so daunting as the prospect of laying his heart bare to the man he loved.

Roy sat on the chair, tipping it back to lean against the wall and watched Chon began to remove his boots.

"What happens tomorrow, Roy?" Chon asked.

"You know what happens, Chon," Roy replied with an uncharacteristic edge to his voice. "We go to the mission, rescue the princess, get the bad guy, and then you all go back to China. End of story."

"Is that what you want?" Chon asked, hoping to draw Roy out.

"What kind of question is that? What does it matter what I want?"

"To me, it matters. You should know that."

"You know it's not what I want, but your duty is to rescue the princess and take her back to China. It's not like you haven't told me this about a hundred times by now."

"No," Chon said deliberately, setting his boots by the foot of the bed.

"No? What do you mean, 'no'?" Roy demanded, incredulous, pushing away from the wall so the front legs of the chair hit the floor with a thump.

"I am not going back, Roy."

"What?"

"I cannot go back to my old life as Imperial Guard."

"Wait. Stop, stop. Why can't you go back? Is it because of you hair?"

"No." He paused. "Yes, but that is not the reason. It is because of me. I have changed. I have been in the West, and now I cannot go back to the East."

"Chon, you're not making sense. What about your loyalty to the emperor, what about the princess?"

"Pei Pei also does not wish to return."

"I think your three Imperial Guard friends might have a thing or two to say about that."

"I do not care." Chon took a breath, searching for the words in English to convey the profound changes in his life. "Roy, listen to me. At Goldie's, you said you were lost. You told me you were a terrible outlaw. What you said, is also true about me. Your words made me see it. In China, I was lost. I was a terrible Imperial Guard. I didn't belong. Here, I do belong." _With you_ , his heart added silently. "It is not enough for me any more to just follow orders. I must do what is right, for Pei Pei and for me."

"That's not going to be easy, going against everything you've known your whole life."

"I know. But I must do it."

Roy leaned back against the wall again and looked up at the ceiling, exhaling softly. He shook his head slightly. Then, lowering his eyes to meet Chon's, he said "All right, partner, what's your plan?"

"Roy, I cannot ask you to help me. It is too dangerous."

"You didn't ask, I offered. We're partners, right?" Roy asked. 

Despite himself, Chon could not help himself from voicing his darkest fear. "I cannot let you have the gold." As soon as the words were out, he wished them back.

"Damn it!" Roy swore, leaping from his chair quickly enough that it toppled over onto the dirt floor with a thud. He advanced on Chon, who stood to meet him. Inches apart, Roy glared at him furiously. "I can't believe you! After everything we've been through, after I risked my neck to come back for you, you still think all I care about is the gold."

Chon stood his ground. "Can you deny that the gold is why you wanted to help me?"

Roy started to speak, then ran a hand through his hair and turned abruptly to pace towards the door. He turned back to face Chon, started to speak again and then stopped himself. Like quicksilver, Chon could see Roy's anger had left, and now in its place was a mixture of guilt and weary acceptance. "OK, I admit it. Maybe that's how it started." He walked towards Chon, stopping in front of him again, close enough that Chon could feel the heat from his body. Chon suppressed a shiver as once again his passion for Roy sparked through him, both sweet and painful. "But that's not the way it is now." He lowered his voice. "It hasn't been about the gold for a long time now, and I think you and I both know that." His blue eyes pierced through Chon and he felt sure that Roy could read all his secrets.

"Roy," Chon began, wanting to reveal his heart to him. He put his hand on Roy's arm, but Roy shrugged it off and turned away again, to set the chair back upright. He positioned it by the doorway and sat down, his back to Chon.

"You'd better get some sleep, we'll leave at first light. I'll take the first watch," Roy said flatly.

"Roy," Chon said, exasperated. "Listen to me. Nobody is coming. Sleep. I am sorry, I do believe in you." He came up and stood behind Roy, who was staring blindly at the doorway. "Come on. Don't be so stubborn." 

"I just thought we were past all that, Chon. You say you've changed, then why can't you believe the same about me?" Chon could read the hurt and defensiveness in his tone. Things were not going at all as he'd hoped, and Chon suppressed his irritation at his own clumsiness in these matters.

"It was wrong of me to say."

"Yeah, yeah." Roy sighed. "I suppose I deserved that." He rubbed a hand across his eyes tiredly. "So what's your plan for tomorrow?" Roy asked again.

Chon smiled ruefully. "I thought we would just--"

"Wing it," Roy finished for him, angling his head back to look up at Chon, the mischievous gleam Chon loved so well back in his eyes. The tightness in Chon's chest eased.

"Yes," Chon agreed, resisting the urge to smooth Roy's bright blond hair off his forehead. "We will wing it."

"All right then. Let's get some sleep. You take the bed. After all, you're the one that just got beat up by Fong." Roy pulled off his boots and set them beside the chair. Rising, he took the lamp off the table and walked towards the cot. Bemused, Chon followed him. Roy set the lamp down on the floor, and tossed Chon his bedroll. Chon spread the blankets on top of the straw mattress of the cot, which was proving to be as uncomfortable as it looked. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Roy unbuckled his gun belt and set it close by. "Damn, I miss my guns," Roy muttered, as he began to unroll his bedding on the floor.

Chon watched him pensively. "You should not sleep on the floor. We can share. I'll make room."

Roy made no reply. "Roy," he urged. "You need sleep." _What are you afraid of?_ he wanted to ask, but Chon already knew the answer. He could recognize Roy's fear in himself, the result of too many years alone. 

Roy stood silently, motionless, before seeming to come to a decision. "All right, move over," he grumbled. "You'd better not snore." Chon, suppressing a smile, lay back and slid as far over as he could, until his shoulder pressed against the wall. Roy stretched out on his side with his back to Chon, leaning down to blow out the lamp. Inky darkness enveloped them.

Despite the total absence of light, or perhaps because of it, Chon was vibrantly aware of Roy lying next to him. Although their bodies were not touching, Roy's heat seemed to burn through him. Before he could think of what to do next, Roy spoke.

"Are you sure about this, Chon? About staying?"

"Yes. Here is where I belong."

"You'd better think about what you are saying, Chon, because it changes everything."

"I know." The words seem to hang suspended in the darkness, as both men weighed their meaning. "I am tired Roy, too much talking," Chon said softly.

"You forget, talking is the only thing I am good at."

"I don't think so." His heart pounding, Chon put his hand on Roy's arm. The contact was electric, and his every nerve seemed to catch fire.

"Chon. Take your hand off me," Roy whispered, but unlike the previous times he'd said those words, there was a catch to his voice.

"No," Chon replied. He shifted onto his side, moving his hand slowly up Roy's arm, feeling the younger man shiver under his touch. His hand reached Roy's shoulder and moved under the collar of Roy's shirt to caress his neck, Chon's thumb gently tracing Roy's throat. Touching Roy evoked a sweet, wild longing Chon had never experienced before. The warm, silken glide of Roy's skin under his fingertips was doing terrible and wonderful things to him.

"Chon . . . " Roy breathed. "What are you--?" His voice broke off in a half gasp, as Chon moved closer and pressed his lips to Roy's ear. "Oh, God."

The feel of Roy's skin beneath his lips was even more intoxicating, and Chon moved closer to press up behind him. His arm encircled Roy, his lips exploring the back of his neck. He couldn't get close enough to him, he wanted to devour him, to crawl inside his skin. He hungered for Roy's taste, his touch, as he had never hungered before.

"Stop, stop," Roy protested breathlessly. At the sound of his voice, Chon drew back reluctantly. He burned for this man, he ached for him with every fiber of his being--he didn't think he would be able to bear it if Roy truly wished him to go no further.

"Roy. Do you really wish me to stop?"

There was a brief moment of silence, during which Chon felt he surely ceased to breathe and his universe seemed to hang suspended in the balance. Then, Roy shifted, turning in Chon's arms to face him. Roy's hand came up to touch the side of Chon's face, and Chon longed to be able to see his expression.

"No." The word was breathed onto his lips just before Roy met him in a kiss. Their mouths came together and Chon realized that he had been wrong earlier to think that merely holding Roy had been paradise. This was heaven, the taste of him, the silk of his hair, the warmth of his breath. Roy's lips parted and their tongues met in deep, slow exploration. They kissed endlessly, the raw, physical pleasure making Chon dizzy. Then Roy's hands were on him, reaching for the buttons of Chon's shirt, his passion matching Chon's own. As the last button slipped from it's mooring, Roy's hands smoothed over Chon's chest, and he groaned against Roy's lips.

The realization that Roy wanted him spread liquid fire through Chon's body. Roy broke the kiss, his mouth blazing a fiery trail down Chon's neck. As Roy's lips grazed his collarbone, Chon spoke. "It is because of you, Roy. I cannot leave, because I love you." He had not intended to speak the words aloud, but they pressed forth of their own accord.

Roy suddenly stilled his movements, and Chon wanted to cry out at the loss of him. "Stop," Roy said, his voice ragged and broken. "Don't say that, I can't do this if you say things like that. You don't know what will happen tomorrow. Just -- don't talk."

Chon smiled sadly in the darkness, understanding everything that Roy was trying to tell him. "No more talking, then." He pulled Roy back to him, and his kiss this time tasted of bittersweet longing. He could be a patient man, and Roy was worth an eternity of waiting if necessary. And, if tonight was to be all the heaven that he was allowed on earth during this lifetime, then Chon would make sure that it was enough. 

After all, it was already so much more than he'd ever dreamed.


	2. Longing

The hour was late, and the festivities at the railroad camp were quieting down. Chon sat by himself, half concealed by shadows on the edge of the camp. He was bone tired, but knew that sleep would elude him tonight. He knew he should be feeling many things, but he felt nothing. He welcomed the pervasive numbness, the absence of emotion. If he allowed himself to feel anything, he feared he would be consumed by the rending ache which had accompanied the sight of Roy kissing Falling Leaves earlier this evening. Kissing her, and then leaving the celebration hand in hand with her, all the while determinedly avoiding meeting Chon's eyes. 

Chon had slept very little the night before, consumed by Roy, not wanting to waste a second of their time together with sleep. Being with Roy, making love to Roy, As the darkness ebbed, however, sleep had finally claimed him. When he awakened, Roy was no longer next to him. The cabin was empty.

Chon had dressed hastily and emerged from the cabin into the cool dawn air filled with nervous uncertainty. Searching, he found Roy behind the shelter, saddling his horse, his back to Chon. Chon's hearth caught in his throat at the sight of Roy, seeing him for the firs time in the light of day since they'd become lovers. Last night, in the darkness, he'd mapped Roy's body by touch and taste, learning every inch of him. Now, seeing him in the early morning sun, everything they'd shared took on His heart was full, and he couldn't speak.

Chon could tell from Roy's stance that the younger man was aware of his presence. "Morning, Chon," Roy greeted him without turning around. He spoke in calm, measured tones, and Chon could feel the distance that Roy was establishing between them. His heart ached, but he responded in turn. "Good morning, Roy."

"We'd better get a move on," he said, turning to face Chon. His eyes had not quite met Chon's, instead focusing on a spot behind his shoulder. Roy's face had been devoid of expression.

"Yes," Chon had agreed, noticing that Roy had already fed and saddled Fido. Mechanically, he climbed onto the saddle. The beginning of the ride to the mission had passed in total silence.

Chon had barely noticed his surroundings at first. He felt caught up in a fog of anger and disappointment, of love and longing; but most of all, a gut-wrenching, pervasive sadness. But, he didn't have time to feel those things, he'd had to focus on the task at hand, recovering the princess. He would not allow himself to wallow in self pity. Years of training and discipline had taken over, allowing him to purge himself of distracting emotions.

Without words, Chon and Roy had seemed to come to an understanding. They would not speak of the night before. The rhythm of their friendship seemed to be reestablished, and if it was only a hollow shell of what they'd had before, he could accept that for the moment.

And then they were at the mission, confronting Lo Fong and VanCleef, and there was no more time to think. 

Later, Chon had almost convinced himself that it would be enough for now to have Roy's friendship. That was, until he'd seen Roy with Falling Leaves. That had been over an hour ago, and that was why Chon now sat alone, wrapping himself in a cloak of dispassion. He knew that Roy was not trying to hurt him, but rather suspected that the younger man was coping with the events of the last 24 hours the only way he know how. Unfortunately, that knowledge did little to ease Chon's misery. Better to feel nothing at all.

He felt a light touch on his shoulder, and looked up to see the princess, standing next to him, smiling gently. In the dying firelight, she was radiantly lovely. As Chon mustered an answering smile, he mused that once, he had believed himself to be in love with Princess Pei Pei. In his former life as an Imperial Guard, she had been an idealized vision of beauty and perfection in his severe, ordered life. From afar, he had worshipped her. The emotions he once felt for here were pale and bloodless compared to the blazing, consuming love he had for Roy.

"Chon Wang, may I speak with you?" the princess asked quietly in Mandarin.

"Of course, your highness. Please, sit," he replied, indicating a crate next to his.

She remained standing. "I would prefer if we could speak in my tent."

"Princess Pei Pei, that would not be proper."

She laughed softly. "Please. You must call me Pei Pei now. I am no longer a princess. And while I appreciate your regard for my reputation, after being Lo Fong's unwilling guest here for the last several weeks, I think my reputation is unlikely to suffer further damage." Her voice was light, but Chon was beginning to realize the extent of the ordeal she had suffered. Yet, she had emerged full of resolve. The princess was a woman of rare courage, and he admired her for it.

"Yes, of course," he replied. He stood, and as she had earlier in the evening, she reached for his hand and clasped it gently. Her touch was warm and reassuring, and he realized that he did still love her, only not in the manner he'd thought before. As he followed her through the now-empty camp, he remembered the day that she was born. He had been young then, barely 18, new to the Forbidden City. Even though their paths had infrequently crossed, he felt as if he'd watched her grow up, from a mischevious, laughing child to the solemn and reserved young woman she had become. Now, he was seeing another side of her, a warm, human side. It would be difficult to overcome his years of training and service to be able to speak freely with her, to treat her as a person and not a princess.

They reached her tent and he followed her inside. 

She lit the lamp and motioned for him to sit next to her on the bed. He did so, leaving a respectful distance between them.

"Chon Wang, I wish to thank you again for saving my life today," she began formally, still speaking their native language. "I owe you a debt of gratitude."

Chon bowed his head slightly. "You are most welcome, my lady. However, you owe me no debt. I only did what was right, and in doing so, we both have been set free."

"What you say is true. We *are* both now free, to pursue our true destinies. And mine is here, with these people. Never before have I felt such a sense of purpose. I feel as if I have come to life for the first time. I was born this morning in that mission." Her eyes glowed and her voice brimmed with enthusiasm. Chon couldn't help but be affected by it, and smiled back at her.

"What will you do now?" he asked.

"So many things. I hardly know where to begin. I wish to start a school, for the children here. For both the boys _and_ the girls. They will learn English, learn about America, but also our own traditions and history. I want us to be a part of the community of Carson City. To be full and equal citizens. I know that there is talk of appointing your friend, Mr. O'Bannon, sheriff, with you as his deputy." 

At the unexpected mention of Roy's name, Chon felt a swift stab of pain lance through his carefully constructed shield. He struggled to keep his face impassive and voice even as he replied. "Yes, this is true."

"That is wonderful! With you in such a position in the community, if you would agree to help me in this I know that together we could accomplish much."

"Of course I will help you, my lady."

"Please, Wang, you must call me Pei Pei."

"Pei Pei," he said, and she smiled brilliantly in return. He was filled with admiration for her, for the woman she was and not his former idealized image. He was beginning to come to know her as a person. She was not an icon, but a flesh and blood woman of vision, strength, and inner beauty. 

She took his hand in both of hers. "Chon Wang, destiny has brought you to me. You have changed my life, and now together we will be able to change the lives of our people here in America."

"I have done nothing. You are the one who will make the difference. You inspire our people."

"But together, we could do so much more." She paused, and Chon thought she looked almost nervous. "We could be married," she said suddenly, and then looked away shyly.

Whatever he'd been expecting him to say, it was not _this._ "Princess--" he began, shocked.

"Hear me out, please. We would be companions in life and our work. We do not know each other well, but that would come with time. The important thing would be the good we could do together. Even Mr. O'Bannon suggested our marriage today."

Chon was at a loss. The events of the last few days had been overwhelming. His bittersweet night with Roy seemed years in the past after this endless, difficult day. And now, the Princess Royal of China was proposing marriage to him. It was simply too much for him to take in. Once, marriage to the princess would have been his secret heart's desire. Now, the thought only filled him with emptiness.

"You honor me, Pei Pei," he began carefully. "But you deserve so much more, someone who will truly love you. My love for you is a father's love, the affection of someone who has known and served you all your life."

"People marry for many reasons. Love rarely enters into it, as I well know. Surely this is a worthy reason."

"You musn't forget, I am already married."

"Ah yes. To that interesting young lady, Falling Leaves. She is a very astute young woman. As you helped me follow my destiny, you also helped her. In choosing you, you gave her what she most wanted, her freedom. She acted without malice towards you, but you were the means to an end for her."

She was right to an extent, but his relationship with Falling Leaves was more complicated than that. Certainly, he felt no anger towards her. She may have used him, but he had allowed himself to be used. She had helped him in many ways, saving both his life and Roy's, and if she did love Roy, he could not begrudge her that. It was a feeling he certainly understood. That didn't make it any less difficult, however.

"Even if you _were_ free, though, I sense the answer would still be no," the princess continued.

Chon felt suddenly cold, dreading her next words.

"It's him, isn't it? Mr. O'Bannon." Her voice was kind, understanding, but Chon didn't want her kindness and understanding right now. He wanted to be alone, to have some peace. He did not want to probe the open wound that was his feelings for Roy.

Yet, Chon refused to be shamed by what he felt. He met her gaze evenly. "Yes," he replied. He braced himself for her censure, but instead she squeezed his hand again, and her dark eyes were filled with compassion. 

"You are not shocked by this?" Chon asked, surprised.

"No. Once, I might have been. I have learned not to turn one's back on love just because it does not fit with someone else's description of what it should be. I was raised with every luxury in life _except_ knowing that I was loved. I was an ornament, a commodity to be sold in marriage by my family. I have learned that love has many faces. When freely given and accepted, it is the rarest and most precious of gifts and should not be denied for reasons of convention. Does your Mr. O'Bannon know that you love him?"

"He knows," Chon answered uncomfortably, finding it hard to comprehend that he was discussing his romantic feelings for another man with the princess. It was yet another indication of the many strange turns his life had taken over the last weeks that he could even speak of this with her.

"And yet, he left tonight with Falling Leaves."

Chon flinched. This was worse than torture. He desperately tried to think of a way he could leave without offending the princess. "It is hard for him," is all he could manage to say.

"A man such as he, you realize he may never be able to freely return what you offer. I hope he is worthy of you."

Chon bristled at her well-meaning criticism of Roy. He did not want to think about Roy, and he did not want to talk about Roy. More specifically he did not want to talk about Roy with the princess. He knew that she was sincerely concerned about him, but that didn't make it any easier to bear. He was so deeply tired and heartsick, he just wanted this day to end. "You underestimate him. You do not know him as I do. He is brave and true, and do not forget that he, too risked himself to save you. He is a fine and honorable man."

"He is lucky to have your devotion. I hope he realizes his good fortune," she said, with a touch of wistfulness. 

Chon could listen no longer. "Forgive me, my lady. It is very late and I must leave you now."

"Where will you go?"

"I will find a place to sleep."

"Please stay here," she urged. "Chen Mai will not return tonight," she said, referring to the elderly woman who had discovered her identity. "You can sleep in her bed." She indicated the empty cot at the far side of the tent.

"Pei Pei," he began. "It would not be proper."

"Not another word about my reputation," she grinned, looking very much like the child he had glimpsed on occasion in the Forbidden City many years ago.

"All right," he agreed, too tired to argue further with her. In truth, he doubted he had the strength to walk to the tent the former Imperial Guards had settled in. 

The princess stood, and he rose with her. "Sleep well, Chon Wang," she said, leaning in to brush his cheek with a kiss.

"Thank you, my lady," he replied, before turning and crossing to the other bed. He turned back to see her drawing the curtain that separated their beds.

"To protect your modesty," she teased.

Chon sank down onto the canvas camp bed, to tired to even remove his boots. His entire body felt like one enormous bruise. He was fairly certain that he'd cracked one of his ribs when he'd fallen from the scaffolding in the mission today. Yet, he welcomed the distraction of his various injuries. Physical pain was something familiar, something he could control through his years of discipline. He eased himself back and pulled a blanket over himself.

Tonight, he vowed, he wouldn't think about Roy. He wouldn't remember the sweet, sharp pleasure they had shared the night before. Tonight, he would sleep and then tomorrow he would be able to face Roy. He would be his friend, his deputy, whatever Roy needed him to be. As he stared blindly at the canvas roof of the tent, he almost convinced himself that this would be possible.

Outside, several hundred feet away, a lone figure stood motionless. As the light inside the princess's tent was extinguished, Roy O'Bannon turned and walked slowly away into the darkness.


	3. Roy's Epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title stolen from the SN soundtrack. This chapter is Roy's POV.

Well, hell. 

Chon and the princess, together in her tent. This probably shouldn't surprise me. I shoulda figured that he'd end up with her. The way he talked about her I could tell he was crazy in love with her. Not that I could blame him. She is a beautiful woman. 

“You are not fit to talk about her," he'd said, but what he'd really meant was "hands off, she's mine." That's right, I can see it all now. He's always wanted her. 

Never mind that just last night he was with me, I kissed him, he put his hands on me, and he told me he loved-- 

But wait a minute. This is a good thing. I'm glad they're together. I was getting a little worried about my ol' buddy Chon. I mean, it's one thing for two guys who are alone on the trail to help each other out in the absence of female companionship, if you know what I mean. It happens. It doesn't mean anything. It seemed to me that Chon was taking things a bit too seriously, saying "I love you" and all that. Guys just don't say that to each other. 

So it's a good thing that he's gotten over all those crazy notions and that he's with the princess. I'm relieved, yes I sure am. It is a load off my mind. In fact, I'm happy for him. I'm happy that they're together, right now. Although it does seem just a little strange that he could be with her just one night after he was telling me I'm the reason he didn't want to go back to China. That's a heavy burden to put on a man, telling him something like that. To think that anyone, especially me, could be the reason for a decision like that--it's just too much. But, no matter now. He's with her.. 

You gotta wonder, though--how well does he know this princess anyway? I mean, I'm happy for him and all, but it seems a little sudden. Chon is a nice guy, but he's a little too trusting. Like I said, he's a greenhorn. She could take advantage of him and he wouldn't even know it until it was too late. What if she doesn't love him? She could break his heart without even meaning to. Chon's the type of person who takes things too seriously, always talking about his honor, and his duty. 

I'm just a little worried about him, that's all. I want him to be careful because I like the guy. He's my friend. We're partners. We're good together. But, that's all there is between us, and that's all there ever can be. He must know that by now. After all, I'm Roy O'Bannon, former wanted man, known to drive girls crazy. The ladies love me, and I love them. 

Take Falling Leaves, for instance. She's beautiful, and she's crazy about me. I know that Chon saw me leave with her tonight, and he looked a little upset, but I didn't mean to hurt him. I feel bad that he saw us together, now, but maybe it was a good thing. In fact, it was a good thing for him to see me with a woman. So he doesn't get any more ideas about him and me. 

He did look hurt, though. It was a pretty awful thing for me to do, I know.. But, nothing happened with me and Falling Leaves, anyway. Well, not much. Not that I didn't want it to, because I did. She's a beautiful woman; any man would want her. I was just tired, and had drunk too much whiskey. Things like that happen to every man once in a while. It can't be helped. It didn't mean anything. 

I know that there's not a problem with Little Roy, because last night everything worked just fine. More than fine. Three times, as a matter of fact. Where did Chon learn how to do those things, anyway? It surely wasn't Imperial Guard school. God, just thinking about it, his hands and his mouth and--OK, see? No problem with Little Roy. 

Whew. OK Roy, focus. Probably not a good idea to think about that right now. Anyway. 

What happened with Falling Leaves, though, it wasn't because I was thinking about him, or thinking about last night. That's just insane. Like I said, she is a beautiful woman. Just because her kisses didn't taste right, or because she didn't touch me the way he did, that doesn't mean anything either. 

It wasn't because I miss him already, although I do. I hate this strangeness between us. I miss the way we used to be together, the funny things he'd say, the way he made me laugh. I could tell him anything. He trusts me and I hurt him and I hate that. I've never felt closer to anyone, but I mean only as a friend. As buddies. That's all. Anything else is just not possible. 

OK, so last night was great--was spectacular actually--but it was just one night. It can't be anything more than that. Now, he's with the princess, and I'm happy for them. In fact, they're together right now, and he's touching her, and he's kissing her, making love to her. 

To her. 

Not me. 

Last night he told me he loved me--me, Roy O'Bannon the screw-up. Nobody's ever said that to me before, at least not so that I'd believe it. He told me he loved me, and what did I do? I told him to stop talking. I acted like a jerk. And now he's with her. 

Not me. 

Oh hell. I'm in serious trouble here, aren't I?


	4. Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to "Roy's Epiphany," fourth in the "Following" series. Roy must make a decision. This takes place about four months after "Roy's Epiphany." Please note that the Carson City I describe bears only incidental resemblance to the real Carson City of the 1870's

San Francisco.

Two days ago, Chon had sat in that very chair on the other side of Roy's desk and told him he was going to San Francisco. Not for a visit, not for a vacation, but permanently. With the work on the V&T railroad line coming to a close, Princess Pei Pei had decided San Francisco would be the place to relocate their crusade to better the lives of Chinese people, or something like that. Roy hadn't much listened to anything Chon had said after that as he'd tried to assimilate the knowledge that Chon was leaving.

Roy's mind had been reeling. For one of the first times in his life, he had been speechless. Chon had looked at him with a question in his eyes, one that they both knew Roy was not prepared to answer.

"Do you have anything to say, Roy?" Chon had asked after a lengthy and uncomfortable silence. 

Recovering himself, Roy had stood hastily. Walking to the other side of the desk, he had shaken Chon's hand and said with false heartiness, "Good luck to you, Chon. You've been a great partner and will be hard to replace."

Roy cringed inwardly at his tone and choice of words. _'Hard to replace?'_ A brief flicker of emotion had crossed Chon's face before he smiled mechanically, turned and left the office.

"Shit!" Roy swore aloud as he sat in his empty office two days later, recalling that afternoon. He poured himself another whiskey. It was a little early in the day to be drinking, even for him, but God how he needed it.

Nothing had been right between them for months now. They worked together, side by side as partners, but it was an uneasy partnership at best. Things would be going fine for a while, and then their eyes would meet, or hands brush accidentally, and everything would come crashing down again. They never spoke of what had happened between them the night before they had rescued Princess Pei Pei. Just because Roy never mentioned it didn't mean that it wasn't on his mind. It was. Constantly. His memories haunted him and kept him awake countless nights. 

Roy thought back and wondered again what had come over him that night. Maybe it had been their uncertain future, or the magic of the two of them riding away together under an endless, midnight sky. Roy had tried to believe that it had been an aberration, that once done he could forget about it, but he knew that he could never forget. He yearned for Chon, a deep aching so constant that he'd thought by now he'd have grown accustomed to it. He hadn't. Each day he denied himself, those feelings only intensified. 

What was more surprising to Roy was that even more than physical aspects of their relationship, he missed their friendship and Chon's companionship. He missed the easy camaraderie between them. For the first time he allowed himself to put a name to what he'd known in his heart all along. He was in love with Chon.

There.

He'd admitted it, if only to himself. 

He loved Chon. Who'd have thought that he, Roy O'Bannon, could come to care for another person so deeply? He'd always prided himself on avoiding emotional attachments. "I'm like a wild horse, you can't tame me," he'd told Falling Leaves. Sure, at the time he was being a little dramatic, but there was truth in his words. Life was easier that way. His whole life he'd had a restless wanderlust that had taken him from his home in Philadelphia to the West when he was barely out of childhood. He'd always felt lost, never belonging anywhere, until he'd met Chon. That was the great irony--finding a place for himself with someone he couldn't have.

Roy knew that love wasn't enough. The kind of magic they'd shared that night couldn't last, wouldn't hold up in the cold light of day. The issue wasn't if he loved Chon. The issue was that they lived in the real world, where there was no place for the reckless passion of two men.

He had been with men before--furtive, empty encounters on the trail when loneliness had overcome good sense. Yet Roy had never made love with a man before that night in the cabin with Chon. The experience was beyond compare. Loving another man, loving _Chon_ \-- Roy knew that would irrevocably change him. He wasn't sure he was willing to accept that change.

Roy didn't consider himself to be a brave man. His whole life, he had taken the easiest path. It didn't take courage to jump aboard a speeding train to rob it; it took a careless disregard for your own life. He didn't have the kind of courage it took to be with Chon, and he knew it. He wasn't hurting Chon on purpose. Roy knew this was just the way things had to be. Surely, Chon could see that as well.

 _When did my life become so damn complicated?_ Roy wondered for the hundredth time. _Things used to be so easy, just me and my gang, riding out on some easy jobs--a train or a stagecoach--and then back to the cat house. That was the life. I was happy then. Until **he** came._ Roy tried to work up some self-righteous anger towards Chon, but knew that he was just fooling himself. He hadn't been happy. His life hadn't been ideal and wonderful. It had been empty and directionless. And lonely. As sheriff, he should have had it all -- a well paying job including a house on the edge of town; work that he actually enjoyed, at least some of the time; respectability, friends. Any man would be satisfied with what he had, but he wasn't. Roy discovered he was more restless than ever. 

Now Chon was leaving, and Roy knew it was because of him. He knew that Chon was not in love with Princess Pei Pei; it hadn't taken long for Roy to figure that one out. That and the fact that he had point blank asked Chon about the night Roy had seen them together. Chon had reacted with the typical snit about Roy daring to refer to the princess in such a fashion. Then, he had added quietly, "You know I could not be with another." The heat behind those words had made Roy burn anew. He had quickly turned away.

Roy tried again to get angry. What did Chon want from him? Why couldn't they go back to the way things were? Even as he asked himself that, he knew that they could never go back. Every day he was reminded why, in hundreds of ways.

He never visited Goldie's anymore. There wasn't any point, really; it just led to more humiliation. Falling Leaves had long since left for parts unknown, leaving him with one of her maddeningly knowing smiles. And then there was the sweet torture of being with Chon every day. Roy would find himself mesmerized by the graceful way he moved, by the strong, compact lines of his body. Sometimes, he would feel Chon's eyes on him when he thought Roy wasn't looking, and it was slowly driving him crazy. He would even have to abruptly leave the room at times to escape the temptation of Chon's presence and his own aching need.

_I can't do this! We can't be anything more than what we are now. What kind of life would that be? Always hiding what we felt, worried about people finding out. I am not like that! That's no kind of life. It's too hard, and I just can't do it. It's better that he leaves._

The door opened and Roy looked up wearily, wondering what non-crisis he was going to have to attend to now. Another fight at the saloon? Cows loose on Main Street? To his surprise, Princess Pei Pei stepped across the threshold and entered the office. She had taken to wearing Western clothing of late, and was very striking in a high necked, blue dress.

"Well, your highness," Roy drawled, remaining seated. "What an unexpected pleasure. What brings you to the sheriff's office today?" Even Roy was taken aback by the nasty tone of his voice. Christ, he was becoming a mean drunk. Intellectually, he knew none of this was Pei Pei's fault. Unfortunately for her, she just happened to be the one present to be the beneficiary of his foul mood.

Pei Pei displayed no visible reaction to his words. Impassively, she said, "I am looking for Chon Wang. He is expecting me."

"Now, there's a surprise," Roy continued despite himself. "He's gone to the telegraph office. He should be back shortly."

"Then I shall wait," she said, settling herself on a bench across the room and regarding Roy evenly.

"Suit yourself," Roy grumbled. _Great, what am I going to do now with her sitting there staring at me?_ Her steady gaze made him feel guilty and uncomfortable. Petulantly, he shoved the whiskey bottle back in a drawer and slammed it shut. He stood, grabbing his hat and jamming it on his head. "I have a few things to take care of. You're free to wait here, Princess." He didn't really have anywhere to go, but anything was better than staying here. He had his hand on the door handle when Pei Pei spoke.

"I can understand why you would prefer to be angry at me rather than to accept responsibility for your own unhappiness. It must be easier for you this way."

Roy stopped short, stunned. He turned slowly to face her. "I beg your pardon?"

"You are upset because Chon is leaving. You have convinced yourself that it is because of me, when you know in your heart it is because of you," she said serenely.

Roy couldn't believe his ears. Was this really the princess speaking to him this way? Prior to this, their only interaction had been mutual exchanges of pleasantries. Roy's surprise was being quickly replaced by outrage. "Thank you kindly for the benefit of your vast wisdom, but you don't know anything about it. Plus, you've got it all wrong -- and it's none of your business."

"I am not trying to anger you, I only speak the truth. And, Wang is my business."

 _'Wang?' Since when in the hell does she call him 'Wang'?_ "Yes, you've turned him into your lap dog, haven't you? And now he's following you to San Francisco."

"That is not the way it is, Mr. O'Bannon, and you know it. He is desperately unhappy. You are clearly miserable. If you two can't see the obvious solution, then it is up to me to point it out to you."

This was unbelievable. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? And, did she think he was a half-wit who couldn't figure this out for himself? "There is no 'obvious solution' for us, Princess, that's the damn problem," Roy shot back without thinking. His face reddened when he realized what he had tacitly admitted. Damn, he had to ease up on the whiskey.

Pei Pei smiled beatifically. "Do you love him?"

Roy could feel his jaw drop. Divine intervention in the form of Chon returning from the telegraph office prevented Roy from having to form a response. Chon greeted them both warily, sensing the highly charged atmosphere in the room. He looked from one to the other curiously. "Roy? Pei Pei? What is going on?"

"Nothing, Chon," Roy replied a little too hastily. "I was just leaving." He strode out the door, banging it shut behind him. Once in the street, Roy stood still, breathing deeply. He was annoyed to realize that he was shaking. _What in the hell was that all about? I can't believe that Chon told her about us! Or, could she tell just by looking at us? Is it that obvious?_ he panicked. Then, angrily, _What right of hers is it to give me advice, anyway? My life is just fine without her putting her two cents in._

Realizing that he was attracting attention by standing in the middle of the street, Roy made a decision. Crossing to the other side, he headed towards the saloon and the familiar comfort of a bottle of whiskey.

**********************

The days passed quickly, and the eve of Chon's departure arrived sooner than Roy anticipated. The following morning, Chon and Pei Pei would take the early stage to Reno, where they would board the transcontinental line to San Francisco. Roy had discovered through a lifetime of experience that his best method of dealing with potentially unpleasant situations was through avoidance. To that end, he had left the office early without saying goodbye to Chon. Roy could not imagine any possible scenario in which their leave taking would not be painful and unbearable. 

Entering the saloon, Roy caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror behind the bar. For a second, he almost didn't recognize himself. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin pasty looking. Roy took cold comfort in the thought that he felt even worse than he looked. _My God, you're a sorry excuse for a man, O'Bannon_ he told himself. _This is what you've come to, hiding from Chon in the saloon._ He wondered when he'd become this angry, bitter stranger that he despised.

Grabbing a bottle and a glass from the bartender, Roy settled in at a corner table. He intended to drink himself senseless and when he awoke, Chon would be gone. Not a very admirable plan, but effective nonetheless.

Surprisingly, the saloon was quiet and almost empty considering it was a Friday night. He must have a forbidding air about him, since the few patrons who were present were giving him a wide berth. Roy took another sip of his drink and stared unseeingly at the amber liquid, lost in thought. Distantly, he heard the saloon doors swing open, and then out of the corner of his eye saw someone slide into the empty chair next to him. He didn't have to look up to see who it was--his increased heart rate told him everything he needed to know.

"Chon," he said tersely, still not looking up.

"Evening, Roy." Chon waved the bartender over and asked for another glass. He then poured himself a generous portion from Roy's bottle.

"Help yourself," Roy groused.

Chon took a small sip and then stated quietly, "You were not going to say goodbye."

Still staring at his glass as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world, Roy replied. "That was the idea, yes." He felt a cold anger build inside him. Why did Chon have to come here and make things harder?

"I thought you were a better man than that."

"Well, you were wrong then! About a lot of things, it seems," Roy snapped.

"I am not wrong about you, Roy." His voice was low and warm, and Roy couldn't bear it.

Heartsick, Roy started to get up to leave, but Chon put a hand on his arm to stay him. Roy felt the contact burn through him and pulled his arm away. But he sat back down.

Silence. Roy's heart pounded, and he had to make a conscious effort to keep his hand from shaking as he reached for his glass again. Tension filled the space between them. Chon's nearness was as intoxicating as always. Roy felt conflicted, trapped--wanting to escape, but at the same time desperate to stay.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He turned at last to look at Chon. "Why did you come here?"

Chon didn't answer. His eyes searched Roy's face. "You look awful."

Roy laughed harshly. "Thank you very much, Chon. If that's what you came here to say, well you can leave now. Go off to San Francisco."

"I will miss you, Roy."

"You're the one who's leaving," Roy bit out.

"This is why I must leave! You are so unhappy. I have done this. You drink too much, and it hurts me to look at you now." 

Roy was at a loss for words. This was too much, too painful. He needed to leave, to just get up and walk away from Chon, but he couldn't, knowing it would be for the last time. He returned to staring into his drink, trying to banish the pricking sensation in his eyes. The longing to touch Chon was almost a tangible thing. It was inconceivable that he would be able to survive without him, and yet he must. 

Chon continued. "I do not want to leave you, but I think it is the best thing to do. I will never forget you. You are a part of me, Roy, and I cannot help what I feel. I love you." Chon spoke the words aloud for the first time since that night in the cabin.

God. A part of Roy had been expecting this, even hoping for it, but the reality was something entirely different. _Why did he have to come here, why did he have to say that to me, and look at me that way, and make me want him so damn much?_ Roy closed his eyes. "Chon, don't. Just . . . don't. Don't say anything else. You shouldn't have come here. You should have just left things the way they were."

"I am trying to understand why you do this. I thought at first, you do not feel the same way. Now I know that is not the problem."

"It doesn't matter what I feel!" Roy hissed, glancing around to make sure they were not attracting any attention. To his relief, they were unobserved. Keeping his voice low, he continued. "The problem is me, Chon. I'm a coward. I'm not brave enough to change my life for you. That's the truth of it. If you do l-- care about me that way," Roy said, unable to say the word aloud, "I'd advise you to get over it. You'd be wasting yourself on me. I'm not worth it."

"Do not talk about yourself that way. You are not what you say. I know the man you truly are. That man I shall always love."

Every word burned into Roy like acid until he could hear no more. He stood. "This is pointless. You've said enough -- I don't want to argue with you. You shouldn't have come here. Goodnight, Chon." Roy turned and left the saloon without a second glance, every step that took him farther away from Chon an effort. Once out the door, he let out a shaky breath. _Steady, Roy._

He had planned to sleep in his office that night rather than return to his house on the edge of town. He had figured it would be one more way to avoid having to see Chon. Even though that was no longer an issue, he still headed blindly in that direction. He was half amazed his legs would even carry him. He felt overwhelmed by sorrow and self-loathing.

Reaching the sheriff's office, Roy unlocked the door and went inside. Just before the door closed behind him, a silent figure slipped through. Roy looked up -- it was Chon, his eyes so dark, so full of everything that was between them. Before Roy could speak, before he could breathe, Chon was pressed up against him, and then, _Oh God_ he was kissing him.

By instinct Roy's arms came up, pulling Chon closer to him, kissing him hungrily. He kissed him with all the longing he'd denied for the past four months. His blood pounded in his ears, and he tightened his arms, crushing Chon's mouth with painful need. Having Chon in his arms again was heaven and hell all at once, and he knew he must stop this now before his own desperate desire overwhelmed what remained of his resolve. Breathless, he broke the kiss.

Against his lips, Chon breathed "I love you, Roy."

Roy turned his head away and released him. "Chon, stop. I can't. I don't want this." His voice sounded strained, even to his own ears.

Chon stepped back, his hands falling away from Roy's shoulders. Roy had to stop himself from reaching out for him. Chon's eyes burned into him. "All right, Roy. I do not believe you, but I will respect your wishes. The stage leaves tomorrow morning. You must decide."

With a strength he hadn't known he'd possessed, Roy walked around Chon to open the office door. He stopped, his back to the other man. "It's no good, Chon," he said quietly. His breathing was ragged, and his throat burned with unshed tears.

Wordlessly, Chon stepped out the door and pulled it shut behind him.

*****************************

Hours later, Roy lay on the bunk in the jail cell behind his office, no closer to sleep that he'd been after Chon had left. Unfortunately, he was also sober. A storm was brewing; he listened to the rain as his mind went a million directions at once. Still shaken, he stared blankly into the darkness. Roy raised his hand and brushed his fingertips over his lips, wonderingly. After all those months, Chon's kiss was just as fiery and addictive. Nothing had changed; he would never be free of Chon. Did he even want to be?

 _If I can just make it through this night, once he's gone I'll be fine,_ Roy told himself. _I can get over this._ Yet, in his mind's eye, he could see the look in Chon's eyes before he'd kissed him. Instead of the chill breeze of the approaching storm seeping through the window, he could feel the warm brush of Chon's hand against his flushed skin. Roy uncurled his fist, revealing the gold piece Chon had given him as a memento of their adventure that he'd been clutching like a talisman.

_Fool! Coward! You are the only one standing in the way of your own happiness._

Time crept by. Too much time for Roy to think. Too much time for him to constantly have to remind himself why he was doing this. The trouble was, the more he reminded himself, the less valid the reasons seemed. Would this night never end?

 _It's crazy, us being together--it wouldn't work. I can't do this_ , he repeated over and over like a mantra. However, all he could see were the endless, empty years ahead of him without Chon in his life. He kept coming back to one truth: he loved Chon. He never dreamed he could love another person so much. And incredibly, Chon felt the same way about him. Chon believed in him, and made Roy wish he could be the man Chon thought he was.

'You are a part of me . . . I love you.' Roy heard Chon's words in his head as clearly as if he were in the room with him. He stood hastily, running a hand through his hair.

Entering his office, he yanked open the drawer to his desk where he kept his bottle of whiskey. He uncorked it and raised it to his lips, only to stop before he took a drink. He couldn't hide inside a bottle forever.

"Shit!" he yelled, throwing the bottle against the wall so it shattered. Lightning split the sky and thunder crashed. The electricity in the air raised the hair on his arms. The wind began to howl as Roy paced the room. His temples throbbed and his heart beat wildly in his chest.

'You must decide,' Chon had said.

He must decide. Roy looked inside his heart and knew he already had his answer, for the answer to all his questions was Chon. They were so different, but so right together. Chon knew him like no other person on this earth. He'd seen Roy at his best and at his worst, and through it all he'd offered nothing less than his love and acceptance. Surely that was worth fighting for. He wanted Chon. He loved him. 

Being together would not be easy, but to give up this chance to be happy with the one person he valued most in his life would be beyond foolishness. If his idea of happiness didn't fit in with the rest of the world's, well then the hell with them. What did he care for other people's opinions? He'd never been respectable before. Besides, the West was wide open. If they couldn't stay and make a life here, there were a hundred other places they could go. They would find a way. That is, if Roy wasn't too late.

"The hell with this," Roy told the empty room. Without a second thought, he flung open the door and ran out into the storm.

In his haste, he'd forgotten his hat and coat. Roy hardly noticed the driving rain that quickly soaked him to the skin as he ran down the wooden planks of the sidewalk to the livery. 

Roy burst into the stables, startling awake Zeke, the night attendant. "Don't mind me, Zeke. I'm just fetching my horse."

"You're fixin' to go out in this storm? What is it sheriff? Bandits?"

Roy was already halfway through saddling his horse Joe. "Nothing for you to worry about. Just go back to sleep."

"I wasn't sleepin'!" Zeke sputtered indignantly as Roy led his horse out into the storm. Mounting up, he spurred Joe in the direction of the railroad camp. Half blinded by the driving rain, he relied on Joe to get them safely to their destination. Roy was soaked to the bone, but he was so exhilarated it didn't matter. His heart raced, and he wanted to laugh out loud with elation. He leaned over Joe's neck, urging him on, his whole body singing with his impatience to reach Chon. The burden of guilt and self-loathing he'd been carrying for months was swept away, and in its place came anticipation, joy, and love.

"Yeehaw!" he yelled into the wind as he rode. The thunder echoed in response.

Unerringly, Joe brought Roy to Chon's small house near the railroad camp. Roy wanted to fling himself off his horse and race to the door, but forced himself to patiently lead his horse to the barn, unsaddle him, and leave him in the stall next to Fido.

Back outside, the rain was tapering off. The storm was passing, and Roy could see the sky lightening in the distance with the approaching dawn.

He walked up to the front of the house on shaky legs. Now that the moment was actually here, he almost hesitated. Taking a deep breath, Roy knocked on the door.

He waited. After a minute, he knocked again. Nothing. He pressed his ear to the door, but didn't hear anything. Roy began to worry. What if he wasn't here? What if he'd left already? He pounded on the door, raising his voice to be heard over the rain. "Chon, it's Roy. Let me in."

A few seconds later, the door was flung open to reveal Chon, his hair loose, wearing only black sleeping pants. Chon blinked at him, his sleepiness vanishing to be replaced by a tentative look of wonder. "Roy?" he questioned softly.

At the sight of Chon, any remaining doubts were swept away. Roy couldn't contain the smile of pure happiness that stole across his face. "Well, are you going to let me in? In case you hadn't noticed, it's raining out here."

An answering smile began in Chon's eyes. He reached out and grasped Roy's wrist, pulling him inside. "Get in here," he answered with mock-severity, closing the door behind him. "Roy, you're soaking wet! Are you crazy to be out in this storm?"

All Roy could do was grin wildly as he dripped on Chon's floor, shivering. "Yes, I'm crazy. I must be -- riding through weather like this."

"Why?" Chon asked quietly.

Roy's grin faded. "To get to you. Chon, I had to . . . I want . . . " Roy trailed off, suddenly unsure. For the second time in as many weeks, he was speechless.

Chon stepped forward, enfolding Roy in his warm embrace, uncaring of his wet clothes. One hand brushed Roy's dripping hair out of his eyes as he reached up to press a kiss on Roy's forehead. "You don't have to explain, Roy." He kissed him again, making Roy shiver anew, this time not from the cold. "You are here. That is enough."

"It's not enough." Roy closed his eyes, leaning into Chon's warmth and love. He would never withhold himself from Chon again in any way. "I love you." His heart was full, and he could feel tears mix with the rainwater on his face as he returned Chon's embrace. "I love you, Chon."

As crazy as it might have seemed, even though they came from opposite sides of the earth they had been meant to find each other. It was a miracle, Roy mused. It was destiny, and who was he to fight destiny? For the first time in his life, everything made sense. He was with Chon. He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one more part to this series, which was originally written by request as a ‘smutty sequel’ to the series and is mostly an extended PWP.


	5. Forever May Not Be Long Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a short PWP, but somewhere along the way it became longer, and talkier--Roy loves to talk--and even included a tiny bit of angst as is my custom. This was also my first attempt to write a sex scene.

Chon stepped forward, enfolding Roy in his warm embrace, uncaring of his wet clothes. One hand brushed Roy's damp hair out of his eyes as he reached up to press a kiss on Roy's forehead. "You don't have to explain, Roy." He kissed him again, making Roy shiver anew, this time not from the cold. "You are here. That is enough."

"It's not enough." Roy closed his eyes, leaning into Chon's warmth and love. He would never withhold himself from Chon again in any way. "I love you." His heart was full, and he could feel tears mix with the rainwater on his face as he returned Chon's embrace. "I love you, Chon."

He tightened his arms around Chon, leaning down, his face burrowing into the side of Chon's neck. He felt something inside him let go. " I love you," Roy breathed against his skin. After everything, it felt so good to say that to him. Roy raised his head to look into Chon's smiling eyes. "I love you," he repeated again, this time with more urgency. He didn't want to stop saying it. He couldn't stop saying it--for too long, the words had burned inside him, unspoken. Chon reached up to brush Roy's tears away with gentle hands. "I love--" Roy started to say again, but before the words could leave his lips Chon had covered them with his own. Chon's kiss burned through his soul, claiming him while at the same time offering him everything. 

Roy was shivering again; he couldn't stop shivering as he pressed himself even closer against Chon. He clung to him, half-ashamed of his own neediness. Roy's palms were lying flat against the naked skin of Chon's back. He slid his hands downward in a sweeping caress, then lower to slip beneath the waistband of Chon's pants. Chon flinched and drew back as far as Roy's embrace would allow. "Roy, your hands are freezing!''

"Mmm, you'll just have to find a way to warm them up," Roy murmured in what he hoped was his most seductive tone. Unfortunately, his chattering teeth marred the effect.

"First, get out of these wet clothes." Chon reached for the buttons of Roy's shirt as Roy leaned in for another slow, sweet kiss. Chon fought the wet material unsuccessfully until Roy started to smile against his lips. Chon pulled back and looked up at Roy. "It's not working," he said, and Roy couldn't help laughing--it felt so good to laugh again.

Chon's lips quirked up in the beginnings of a smile, then his eyes took on a definite mischievous glint. He firmly grasped the collar of Roy's shirt, tensing as if to tear it open. Roy quickly put his hands over Chon's.

"Wait! Stop, stop, stop," Roy laughed. "This is my favorite shirt." Affecting an air of long-suffering patience, Roy sighed. "Let me do it." After a brief struggle while Chon looked on with impatience, Roy worked the first button loose.

"See?" Roy said triumphantly. He looked up to meet Chon's eyes. Chon's look was darkly passionate and almost predatory, and Roy felt his breath catch before the space between them disappeared. They came together almost desperately, mouths seeking, Roy's tongue delving deeper into the warm, sleek interior of Chon's mouth. Chon's hands slipped under the bottom of Roy's shirt, easing it upward. Roy released Chon and raised his arms as Chon pulled the shirt up and over his head before tossing it on the floor. Roy briefly felt the cool morning air on his skin before Chon reached for him again, pulling them together. Roy kissed him fiercely, devouring him, and Chon's response was so unreserved and welcoming that Roy's heart overflowed with love for this man. He couldn't get enough of Chon, would never get enough of him. His touch drove away all of the darkness and guilt that had been Roy's constant companions these last months.

"I'm sorry," Roy whispered between kisses. "I'm so sorry for everything . . . I've been awful to you."

"Shh, Roy. I understand. I love you."

As they kissed, Chon's hands traveled across the sensitized skin of Roy's chest. Roy's whole body was rigid with urgency, his cock strained painfully against the front of his damp trousers. Roy's heart thundered beneath Chon's palm. Chon's lips followed his hands, brushing lightly, teasingly over a nipple, then closing his mouth over it with deep pulls. Roy's breathing became harsh and rapid as Chon moved lower.

Chon's hands reached the buttons of Roy's trousers. He looked up, and Roy felt devoured by his scalding gaze. Chon worked the buttons loose as Roy's mouth went dry and breath stopped with a sharp anticipation, on the razor's edge of pain.

His cock, freed from its confines, leapt into Chon's eager hand. Roy thought he might die from the intense pleasure of Chon's touch. He couldn’t imagine how he'd lived so long without it. He felt Chon's warm breath feather over him, and then--

"Ah, God . . . " He was drowning in erotic sensation. Enveloped by the moist warmth of Chon's mouth, Roy's head fell back and his knees went weak. His hands threaded through the dark silk of Chon's hair. Coherent thought was impossible, yet Roy could not escape the feeling that this was just not right.

"Chon wait, stop." Roy almost couldn't believe he was saying this. As Chon's mouth left him, he almost groaned in frustration, but he didn't want this to be like last time. That night in the cabin he'd been selfish, taking from Chon and giving nothing in return. This time he wanted it to be different. 

"I know a better way," Roy said as he gently pulled Chon to his feet. Roy kissed Chon again, plundering his mouth. With breathless urgency he said, "Come with me." He led him through the small house to the room in back where Chon slept. 

The room was small, barely more than a closet. Roy's look was dubious as he eyed the thin mattress on the floor. "This is where you sleep?" 

"Roy, shhhh," Chon said, pushing him gently down onto the bed. Roy was mesmerized as Chon removed the thin cotton sleep pants he wore. The one time they had been together it had been under a veil of darkness. This time Roy wanted to see everything--the way Chon looked when he touched him, the way Chon's body responded to Roy's touch.

"Come here," Roy whispered, barely able to speak. He pulled Chon down next to him onto the bed, stretching out next to him, feasting his hands and eyes on the splendor of Chon's naked skin. Roy's fingers seemed extraordinarily sensitized to the texture of Chon's flesh. Muscles leapt beneath his slightest touch. "You feel so good," Roy breathed. "I love touching you."

"I love having you touch me," Chon replied.

Roy was on fire, his body urgently demanding Chon's touch. There was an agonizing minute as Roy fought to remove his jeans and boots, and then there was nothing between them.

Roy moved down Chon's body relentlessly. "Roy--?" Chon questioned, realizing Roy's intent. "You don't have to."

Chon's simple words almost broke Roy's heart. _I've never done this before._ The thought hit him with brutal force. With the others, those faceless, forgotten men, Roy had never reciprocated. He'd used his charm to talk them into whatever he'd wanted. _I've been a selfish bastard,_ he thought, but no more. He didn't want that for the two of them. Chon deserved better, but Roy knew he wasn't doing this out of a sense of obligation. He _wanted_ to do it, wanted to touch Chon, to taste Chon, wanted to know everything there was to know about him. He wanted to give everything of himself to Chon.

"Chon, yes, let me do this."

"Together, then," and with those words Chon shifted, turning on the bed, moving so that he could reach Roy as well. The mere thought of what would come next filled Roy with a white-hot, pulsing urgency. 

Roy inhaled the combination of heat and scent that rose from Chon. He wrapped his hand around Chon's cock, stroking tentatively. Chon's hips jerked in response and Roy smiled. _I must be doing this right._ Then he felt Chon's lips close around him again and he couldn't think anymore, only act on instinct, his lips and tongue and fingers discovering everything about the taste of Chon, the feel of him, the scent of him. His movements mirrored Chon's, thrusting his hips slightly as he applied gentle suction. He was aching, he was drowning, he was consumed by the most sublime pleasure he'd ever felt. Soon the intense sensations became too overpowering. He could feel Chon's release approaching, and Chon tried to pull back but Roy held him close, gripping his hips relentlessly. He felt the tenseness in his muscles increasing, his movements quickening as he drove Chon towards an escalating pinnacle. Roy was lost in the heat and pulsating excitement that culminated in his own shattering climax of unequaled sensations richer than anything he'd ever known. 

*****************

As soon as his body was capable of movement, Roy shifted and crawled back around to lie side by side with Chon, throwing an arm across him as he kissed his shoulder. Never in his life had he become so lost in another person, never had he reveled in the pleasure he could provide or felt such a sense of belonging.

"Wow." Roy realized he must be grinning at Chon like an idiot, but couldn't help himself. _I could get used to this,_ he thought as he waited for his breathing to return to normal.

The early morning sun filtered through the window, forming a warm golden pool over the bed. Chon's fingers traced a lazy pattern on Roy's arm. Roy gathered him close, feeling a peace and contentment he'd never known. He could feel Chon's eyes on him and raised his head to face him.

"What is it?"

"You are beautiful." 

Roy almost squirmed. He could feel his face redden, and marveled that he could feel any embarrassment after the things they'd just shared. "You're crazy, Chon. Men aren't beautiful." He turned his head away.

Chon grasped his chin with a firm hand and turned Roy back to look at him. "You are." He kissed the tip of Roy's nose. "What happened here?" he asked as he traced the bridge of Roy's nose with his index finger.

"Nothing. I broke it. Twice. It's not a very interesting story." He looked away again, trying to avoid Chon's eyes, but he would have none of it. 

"Tell me?" Chon's expressive dark eyes were wide and pleading, and Roy was helpless against that look.

"Oh come on. I hate it when you look at me like that." Yet, he could deny Chon nothing and if he wished, Roy would share with him even the parts of his life that he wasn't proud of recalling. "The first time, I was only 13. I was my first time riding with a gang. I was just a kid. I think they kept me around more for entertainment than anything else." His eyes darkened momentarily before he continued, and Chon smoothed his hand over Roy's shoulder reassuringly. "We were robbing a stagecoach. I . . . well, I fell off my horse," he said, embarrassed. He could tell that Chon realized there was more to the story, but appreciated him not pressing the issue right now. 

"The second time was a few years ago. Some cowpoke accused me of cheating at poker."

"Were you?"

The denial sprang automatically to his lips. "No!" Chon simply looked at him, love and understanding in his eyes. "I might have been," Roy amended. "He beat me up pretty good. It hurt like the devil." Roy gave a half laugh. "Not a very nice story, is it. I haven't lead a very admirable life," he said, bitterness creeping into his voice. He smiled wryly. "So, with this nose, I'm hardly beautiful."

Chon's touch was light as a butterfly as he ran his fingertips down the side of Roy's face. "Yes you are. I have never seen eyes so blue. But it is your heart that makes you beautiful. I told you before, I know the man you truly are."

Uncomfortable but pleased at the same time, Roy changed the subject. "What about you?" 

Chon smiled ruefully and rubbed his own nose. "Fighting stick."

"You don't have much luck with those, do you?"

"I have other skills that make up for it." Chon's voice was suspiciously deadpan.

Roy gaped at him. "Chon, was that another joke?" Chon's eyes twinkled back at him and his lips twitched. Roy didn't know whether to laugh or kiss him, so he did both.

Reluctantly, Chon drew back. "I must go."

Roy raised himself up on one elbow. "What?"

"To Pei Pei. I have to tell her I am not going with her."

Roy exhaled and lay back, staring up at the ceiling. "Chon . . . what you and Pei Pei are doing--it's important. You're giving hope to a lot of people. For me to put a stop to that, well, it just wouldn't be right."

"I am not leaving you. Do you want me to go?"

"No! Yes." Roy sighed and turned to look at Chon again. "What I mean is, I'll go with you, if that is what you want to do."

"You would do that?" Chon's smile was brilliant.

"Well don't act so surprised. Of course I would." He looked away, almost shyly. "I love you," he added in a small voice.

Chon's response was to roll on top of Roy and kiss him until he was breathless. Incredibly, he could feel himself harden again and wondered if he'd ever get enough of this man he loved so much. "I thought you had to leave," Roy gasped.

"I do."

"Then don't be starting something that you can't finish."

"I will never be finished with you. A lifetime will not be enough for us."

Roy's heart skipped and he felt tears burn in his eyes. Having someone love him like this was still a new and humbling experience, one he hoped he'd never completely get used to. He started to pull Chon back to him, but this time Chon resisted.

"I'm sorry--" he began.

"Yeah, yeah. You don't just say something like that to a man and then leave him."

"Pei Pei--"

"Just go," Roy grumbled. "I sure don't want the princess showing up here now."

Chon kissed him lightly before climbing out of bed. Shivering slightly at the loss of Chon's warmth, Roy sat up, pulling the blanket around him. Chon stood, and Roy unabashedly admired the view. Chon had the firm and well-muscled body of an athlete, and Roy completely lost his train of thought as he watched him dress.

"She knows about us," Chon said.

"What?" Roy asked, distracted by the sight of Chon stepping into his pants.

"Pei Pei. She knows."

Roy shook his head. "Don't remind me. I can't believe you told her!"

"I did not tell her. She knew. She asked me if it was true, and I could not lie."

A shadow passed over Roy's face, and he held back the words he almost said, _You're going to have to learn how to lie._ Chon seemed so innocent in many ways, so eager to believe the best about the world. Roy hated to be the one that would spoil that, but it was inevitable if they were going to be together. Roy banished such thoughts for the time being. There would be time enough for that later. They would have their reality soon enough--but not today. Roy gathered the blanket around him and stood to face Chon. 

Chon was buttoning his shirt, but stopped to put a hand on Roy's arm. "Roy, what is it?"

Roy mustered a reassuring smile. "Nothing. I was just worried that the princess would show up and give me some more of her great advice."

"She told me about that. I am glad she did."

"Oh you are, are you? I'm not. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life!"

"She was just trying to help."

"She does a lot of that, doesn't she? I think we need to find her some of her own romantic interests so she doesn't have as much time to worry about us. What are you going to say to her?" Roy asked as he followed Chon into the front room.

"I will tell her I cannot go with her today. I must tell her why not," Chon said, and Roy reluctantly nodded his agreement. "I will ask if she will wait until we decide what we are going to do." Chon paused. "Roy, we don't have to leave Carson City. There is still much to be done here. I like living here, and you are a good lawman."

"We don't have to decide anything right now. We can talk about it another time. My plans for you for the rest of the day don't involve much talking," Roy said in a low voice. He could feel the awareness between them and read the answering spark of desire in Chon's eyes.

"Will you wait here for me?" Chon asked.

"Hell no! I'm going back to my own house, where there is a proper bed. And, a bathtub," he added, raising his eyebrows and grinning. "I'll be waiting for you there."

"I will hurry, Roy," Chon said, and his voice held such sweetness and promise that Roy felt a tremor go through him.

"You'd better leave while you still can," Roy said, reaching for the door. Chon stopped him. Grasping the blanket Roy had wrapped around himself, he pulled the younger man to him for a lingering kiss that quickened Roy's pulse and left him shaken. "I love you, Roy."

There it was again, the now-familiar sensation of tears that Roy tried to blink away. "I love you, too, Chon. Now, get out of here!" he said gruffly. He opened the door. Chon left with one last smile that made Roy's heart turn over.

Roy shut the door and walked back into the room. He sank down into chair, feeling dazed. He still couldn't quite comprehend that last night had actually happened, that he and Chon were together. There were so many questions to be answered about their future. What would happen now? Where would they live? How could they make this work? All these thoughts and more crowded his mind. He shook his head--this day, he resolved, would be for him and Chon alone. Tomorrow they could deal with the rest of the world.

//I don't deserve to be so happy// Roy thought, but he didn't want to question his good fortune. The road ahead would not be smooth for them. His life with Chon would have more than its share of challenges, of both joy and sorrow. Above all, it would be an adventure. With Chon by his side, Roy could hardly wait for it to begin.

Chon was right. One lifetime would not be enough for them.

(End)


End file.
